Phantom Car Wash

This local kid has been supposedly washing cars to build trust before robbing peoples houses. It’s caused the typical amount of consternation in the Totton page so it was obviously time for another news story

Share if you think this is a disgrace!11
Share if you think this is a disgrace!11

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Worst flight.

Dear Thomas,

Myself and my friend Andy were on your flight back from the beautiful Greek island of Zakynthos yesterday and I must say it was quite possibly the worst flight I have ever had the misfortune of enduring.
I must say, the female captain was excellent and kept us well informed throughout the flight and despite various mutterings about female drivers managed to take off AND land us successfully back at Stansted airport with little more than a slight rumble as we made ground contact. My problem came from a wedding party of middle-aged attention seekers that were cavorting all up the aisles throughout the entire duration of the flight egged on by your flight attendant, from the never ending announcements about possible purchases and promotions and from the stampede of trollies constantly rumbling up and down.

First of all we’ll address the problem of the middle aged passengers. There was a group of about 10 or so of these sad acts but a few stood out. Obviously I don’t know any of their names (Except for Lee, Oh Lee! So funny!) so I will refer to them using the names I created for them in my mind as they systematically ruined any chance of me getting any sleep. You’ve got ‘annoying b***h in the pink’, she was very much the ringleader of the whole sorry saga. Pink spent the entire 3 hours stood up next to two poor souls that weren’t involved in the festivities (I can only imagine the misery they endured), she was leaning over the back of the chair where ‘bald glasses p**ck’ should’ve been seated waving around a bottle of your cheap gold Prosecco as though it somehow elevated her above her economy class station.
The mood had already been set by your flight attendant, not satisfied with simply telling us about the light and the whistle attached to the life jacket and handing out a few snacks, she took it upon herself to announce to everyone why the mood was so jubilant amongst the revellers scattered all around the plane. There had been a wedding. And a birthday. And someones last day on the job. I can guarantee this served no purpose at all except to endorse the behaviour that followed.

And so it continued, the flight was underway and the seatbelt light went off, and so Pink was up, waltzing up and down the aisle with her Prosecco, topping up her buddies glasses and intimidating normal passengers who would no doubt actually liked to have been able to go to the toilet without feeling like they were part of some kind of horrific Benidorm carbaret show. You had Glasses there too, twisting and contorting his bespectacled face and guffawing at anything Pink or ‘The one with the baby’ had said.

There was only one person that should conceivably have been allowed to stand and that was Baby. You know, bounce the baby up and down a bit, stop it from screaming, I’m all for it. Would you expect to see that in a nightclub setting? No.

Thomas, you don’t provide meals on that flight but they can be ordered seperately. That’s fine in my book – airline food is notoriously bad. Of course, most settled for half a tube of pringles and a coffee but not our party animals. What better way to show that you’re really living the dream than by ordering some kind of braised beef dish for the entire party. We actually heard Pink say ‘Mmmm, that’s good!’. This is simply impossible to believe, it’s in the name ‘Thomas Cook’ but we all know that you can’t. And that’s fine. because you’re an airline and we’re all flying enconomy. Just pure attention grabbing through and through, it was disgusting.

All in all, the flight was infuriating but despite all of this your flight attendant spent ten minutes at the end of the flight actually arranging to visit the party at an event this coming weekend. We all got to hear the directions and the venue. I’d be tempted to turn up there myself and tell them all how pathetic they all are if it wasn’t such a ridiculous waste of petrol. If your attendant actually is planning on going then I’m lost for words. I like to think she was just showing professionalism and won’t actually be planning on visiting them again but with the way she encouraged the never ending trips up and down with the Prosecco, the constant opening and closing of the overhead lockers and no fewer than 42 toilet trips brought on by the excess of alcohol then I’m really not so sure.
Please use the seatbelt signs more often, no one wants to be witness to a mass airbourne midlife crisis.

Thanks for reading,

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Dear Ronald

Dear Ronald,

I just visited your restaurant in Basingstoke and purchased a cheeseburger happy meal to try and perk myself up a bit – I’ve been feeling quite sad because it’s Monday.

I noticed on the box that there were lots of happy animals, including ‘Max’ – A quirky and cheerful looking canine. Once I had opened the box I was delighted to see what looked like a dog (my favourite animal) suffocating in the plastic bag.

Once I’d freed this animal from it’s polyethylene hell I was mortified to see his sad little face, he’d had his back legs removed and wheels grafted on in their place.

Ronald, I’m sure you’ll agree that the message we should be sending is that despite disability we can still strive to be happy in the face of adversity. Do you really think this is sending that message?

Your happy meal failed me and I suspect that it has failed many more people like me (and probably some children too)

Thanks for listening to me,



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